University: A Positivity Speedbump

Hello Everyone,

I know the point in this blog is for me to try and be as positive as possible, and talk about the things that help fuel my happiness, but right now I need to talk about something that sometimes hinders my road to positivity, and that's the speed bump of university!

For as long as I can remember, I never intended on going to university. Even when the university fees were £3000 ( a shit ton less than they are now) I wasn't interested. Mainly because my life plan was to get a job, save up money and travel and then potentially move abroad with an uber cool boyfriend. But reality (mainly the lack of job prospect and uber cool boys in my life) kicked in and I got to 17 and had to make a decision. I never thought I was smart. My GCSE predicted grades weren't good and I had a hard time fitting in during high school, so the notion of willingly staying in education seemed the complete opposite of how I wanted to spend my life.

Then, on results day I pretty much got the opposite to the grades I had been predicted and all of my teachers changed their minds as to how capable I would be at achieving good grades at A Level and beyond. I sat with the head of year and picked my options- History (which I had to do because French wasn't offered) English Literature Media Studies and Psychology. I loved A Level. I loved learning, I love theories and I love writing essays where I get to choose what I want to say. I did pretty well in my A Levels and when it came to UCAS applications I knew that I wanted to go to university and study film.



I love films almost as much as I love music. I love learning about the industry, writing scripts, thinking about promotion of film, film festivals and independent and foreign cinema. The problem is that my head of year didn't share the same interests. He believed I was 'better than that' and should use my knowledge to study something more academic, 'employers' he said 'don't care about graduates with media related degrees.' This is singlehandedly the biggest mistake and regret of my life. I was stupid and impressionable and thought, 'I don't want to go into debt for a degree that won't get me anywhere.' What I foolishly didn't consider until it was too late, is that media employers surely want a graduate with a media related degree.

I changed my major from Film to English Literature and chose a uni close to home. The first week in my first year felt like my world was ending. I cried constantly- on the bus to uni, in the toilet at uni, in my bedroom when I got home. I thought university would be my time to be who I wanted to be. I thought, all these students are here for the same reason, surely we all share the same interests. This wasn't the case, and at age 18 I was still the outcast. I tried to be positive and told myself things like 'just submit your first essay, then you'll know what you're capable of.' So, I stuck with it and submitted my first essay, then my second, third and fourth.

When my college friends asked me how uni was going, my negativity increased. They would talk about the socials they've been out on, how great their course is and how much they loved living in halls. They all said the same thing to me, 'it's because you live at home.' One thing I'm certain of is that living away from home would kill me off. I get incredibly home sick, and I know I would then worry about more things like food, bills and not being able to afford to get home. I realised it wasn't uni that was the issue, but me.

I get really anxious about stupid things and I worry about things before they even happen. So in my first year of uni I was worrying about second year and now I'm almost done with second year I'm worrying about third year and beyond.
I'm actually really emotional writing this because I hate worrying about the future. One because it's stupid and embarrassing to be upset about things that haven't even happened yet, and also because there's millions of students across the world in the same situation as me, so I feel dumb feeling sorry for myself when I'm not the only one in this position.
The thing is, I can't stop myself from being negative. I can't not worry about how i'm going to afford to move out, or that I want to be happy and in a good relationship before I'm 25, or how I want to travel but can't afford to.

Given that third year is vastly approaching my anxiety has opened up again. If i'm not crying over an assignment that I haven't even started because it's not due for another two months, I'm losing sleep over dissertation ideas and career prospects. Lately I feel like I'm in a constant cycle of happy- shit I need to do my essay and also go to work and also see my parents and also talk to my friends and also do overtime because everyone else but me has this week, also I need to plan my next assignment and find time to revise for my exam- sleep. It sucks to be feeling myself slipping again because I've been on a really positive journey since last summer and it fucks me off that I can't just SWITCH OFF AND BE NORMAL.

I just never thought university would result in such a battle of emotions. I would like to shove a rocket up the asshole of any teacher that has told me university are the best years of life because it's a joke that's so far from funny. I didn't imagine 'the best years of my life' would be a bag filled with lost sleep, breakdowns and general SHITTY FEELINGS.

I'm sorry if you're reading this and thinking GOD this girl needs to get a grip, because believe me I know I do, I just really need to vent somewhere other than in my head,
My next post will be more positive I promise,
thanks for reading,
Aimee :) x